The first five years
It's always irked me that the incredibly emotionally and physically labour intensive first years of parenting are often dismissed as "over in a blink of an eye". Apparently they reach school age so quickly, that it's totally ok to sacrifice everything else, including ourselves, in order to create the perfect pre-school childhood for them. Never mind all the caring, carrying, worrying and entertainment planning. I've heard countless variations of "oh, they grow up so quickly", "so what if you don't sleep/ exercise / go out with your friends / look after yourself for a few years?" from people who should really know better and have mothers' back a whole lot more - other mums, grandparents, healthcare providers and wellbeing platforms. Makes my blood boil every time.
First of all, time DOES NOT go quickly. Especially if you have a kid that doesn't sleep. When my eldest was 1, my husband joked that she'd given us the gift of time, because every day was approximately 4 hours longer than it should have been. Longest year of my life and even in hindsight I won't every say that it went quickly. Nor will I say it to another mum.
Even if you did consider 5 years a short time, as soon as you have more than one kid that stretches the time frame to 7 years plus. In my case I've had preschoolers for a decade. A decade! You can't tell me that that's a short time.
Then there's the "back in my day" rhetoric. You always hear older generations pipe up with gems like "when I was little I was chucked outside at dawn and my mother didn't see me again until it was dinner time".
First of all that's probably not entirely true, and it certainly didn't happen when they were a baby or pre-schooler, did it? They were at the very least 6 or 7. That still leaves the first 5 years that were filled with (the 1970s equivalent of) hands on parenting.
When this kind of talk comes from older women, I often wonder if there's an element of "well I didn't get to look after myself, so why should you?", as well as the baked in societal expectation that women are child rearing self sacrificing machines. The assumption that because we chose to have kids we shouldn't be asking for support or complain is a really toxic one. Education around what it's actually like to be a new mother is scarce, and rarely honest (keep your eyes peeled for something I'm working on to set the balance right on this😉 ), so the disparity between the expectations and reality of motherhood are often huge. It can be a huge shock and the drastic life change a lot to deal with.
I'm writing this from the perspective of just having reached the "both kids are 5 and at school" milestone (in the middle of the pandemic where it's not as relaxing as it potentially could be, but a milestone and turning point none the less). And I can confirm that it is indeed a bit of a magical place to arrive at. I feel physically a lot less exhausted since the kids can do more stuff for themselves and headspace for things other than entertaining them has opened up. I'm looking up new meals to try and have painted a feature wall! I'm keeping parts of the house tidy! Unheard of only months ago.
We even went away on a family holiday that was, for the most part, relaxing and enjoyable. No planning around nap times, no vomiting or tantrums in the car, kids understanding that they have to sleep in a room that's not pitch black or has all the sleepy bells and whistles like their room at home.
Parenting definitely feels different past the 5 year mark. I just wish that rather than being told to "suck it up and enjoy every minute" we could stop glossing over those first 5 years like they don't matter and support mothers better so it can feel a bit easier from the get go.
