Loving motherhood with the right support

Experiences of - Debbie

How many kids do you have and how old are they at the moment?
3 girls- 12,10 and 6

Could you tell us a little more about your parenting situation?
Married- my husband and I juggle to childcare- with help once a week from grandma.

How did you find the early years of motherhood?
I absolutely adore being a mother. My girls are the greatest gift, my greatest achievement and I feel honoured to be their mum. At the age of 28, my husband and I decided to try for a baby. I was absolutely terrified of giving birth but my greater fear was never having a baby. I was fortunate to get pregnant quickly and overall enjoyed being pregnant but was also very scared throughout the pregnancy about the birth. In all honesty the first 5 ish weeks after giving birth to my first child was the hardest time of my life. The birth was lengthy and she was born by very aggressive ventouse pulling. I remember having flashbacks and intrusive thoughts after the birth and imagine it was some sort of PTSD. I felt completely worthless - I had the most amazing, beautiful, huge (9lb 6oz) baby with a luscious full head of hair. She was utterly perfect but I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. I hated myself for feeling so sad when I was supposed to be happy. Trying to breast feed her was very painful and I never felt confident getting my boobs out in front of anyone. The midwives told me I had to feed her every two hours and wake her up for feeds. It was so hard to get her latched on and to keep her awake to feed. I have never been someone who is able to nap so the ‘sleep when she sleeps’ just didn’t happen for me. As my exhaustion increased I then found it virtually impossible to sleep at all. I stopped eating and drinking. I remember feeling so tired that I could hardly lift my fork to my mouth to eat. My health visitor noticed how quickly I went downhill and how ill I had become and she sent me straight to A&E. It was suggested that I was hospitalised but decided this wasn’t best for me. I was given tablets to make me sleep- so that I could reset my body into a routine. Antidepressants helped me get my head above water. I remember my health visitor telling me how hard she’d found breast feeding and that her grown up sons were 6ft tall, strong and healthy having been bottle fed! She told me not to worry! She was the first person to make me feel confident to say that I wanted to bottle feed. At week 6/7 I had more of a routine, I could sleep, my baby started sleeping a bit better and the hardest time of my life soon became the happiest. Those months on maternity leave were the happiest time of my life. I remember her first little laugh and in that moment I felt so happy my heart could burst. I had never ever felt so happy as when she smiled and giggled at me. By the time I had my second daughter I was more confident to know how I wanted to manage things. Yes I was scared of the birth but it was quicker and less traumatic. I struggled with getting her to latch on but I expressed milk and felt much more confident because I could see how much milk she was having. She had a few weeks of expressed milk and then went to formula. When our third daughter came along our family was complete. We both wanted three children and feel completely blessed. My children are my world and the best thing to ever happen to me.

Who or what helped you most in the early days of motherhood?
My husband was a brilliant support throughout . He coped much better with most aspects during the early days- I felt he was ‘a natural’ and I wasn’t. My health visitor was excellent in noticing my PND and giving me realistic advice!

What do you wish you had known before having a baby?
Ignore peoples’ stupid comments! No one should judge you or compare their experience with your own. Why do women pitch themselves against each other? (A midwife who was irritated when I asked for more pain relief after the birth of my first daughter said “well I had a 9lb 12 oz baby and I PUSHED her out!” I wish I had replied with “good for you!” but I let her words sink in, making me feel like a failure. I should’ve had a ‘natural’ birth, I shouldn’t have needed the ventouse, it is my own failure that had left me in so much pain. I DESERVED the pain. I wish I’d seen her stupid comment for what it was - a woman wanting to make herself feel superior- and that was her issue, not mine. Should’ve let it wash over me.

What piece of advice would you give to your pregnant self if you could go back in time?
For my first pregnancy, I wish I had invested in hypno-birthing or something to help me feel more confident and be more assured that I could manage the pain during childbirth. I wish I could reassure myself that breast feeding may not be the best thing for me and that I mustn’t beat myself up for that. I would tell myself to ignore other peoples stories and advice- it’s overwhelming and conflicting and actually nobody can tell you what to do or how to feel because every body is different. Your experience is unique- nobody else is YOU!

Funniest story (in hindsight anyway!)
My first daughter was a few days old when my husband was changing her nappy on the table. She sneezed and baby poo sprayed all over my husband. It was a perfect moment