All unique but in it together

Experience by: Chrissy

How many kids do you have and how old are they at the moment?

I have two girls. Three & half and just turned one.

Could you tell us a little more about your parenting situation?

It is me and my husband, with help from both our parents. My husband and I both work and share the childcare. So if I do a morning at the Dr surgery he will look after the kids, and then when I get back he will work in the home office and do his hours. It means that we can't (for now) improve our positions at work. Because I couldn't do more hours or sessions. And my husband has been given great flexibility at his work to facilitate this. Fortunately mother-in-law has both the girls Fridays. We probably couldn't afford childcare and everything that comes with it. But the bonus is, that we get to raise our children, which was what we always wanted to do anyway.

How did you find the early years of motherhood?

A double edged sword. With our first, it's a fast learning curve from no children to children. Overnight I had zero me time for the first 3 months, no sleep and so many appointments and classes to go to, I certainly didn't stop. I was recovering from birth and also realising that this first part of motherhood was quite thankless, tiring and lonely. And yet, on the flip side. That first moment I held her, I got lost in her eyes and there was a sudden rush of maternal protection over her. I couldn't believe for ages (actually I still can't believe it) that I had made this beautiful little girl. Every developmental leap and milestone leaves me in awe and joy. Every cuddle, kiss and giggle. Without my girls I known for sure, that I wouldn't work as hard at everything as I do. They gave me purpose. With the second, I laughed a lot, wondering why I struggled so much with my eldest. This baby is so easy! Still thankless and i definitely lost myself for the first few months again. Still exhausting, I still didn't get sleep. But it felt easy, and I felt calmer. However the flip side... now I didn't have the time to enjoy those moments withy youngest. Because we were so busy with life, moving house, eldest going to preschool or just being at home being three.

Who or what helped you most in the early days of motherhood?

Everything. It's true when they say 'it takes a village to raise a child'. I used every resource I could. My brain works by taking in a point of view from all sides, conversations, books, nhs etc and making my own journey. So I did the same for parenting. It feels like a very tailor-made path through, and it stopped what I could only imagine Would become comparing your child with others and your parenting technique. NOPE! Personally I found now I have the 2 kids, if I had a 3rd, I would know the best balance for me. That would go like this... first 6 weeks, stay at home except for short walks and recover. No plan visits, see anyone. Just live in your gorgeous new bubble with one another. After this book classes for at least 3-4 of the days. And 1 day out a week to a garden or wherever makes you happy. Why? Because you get up, more importantly, dressed and you have a purpose to leave the house. You get to see other mums. Your indoor lonely perspective of yourself is always wrong. Once you see other parents, it always debunks those negative thoughts. But also it blows away the cobwebs and gets sun on your skin and fresh air in your lungs. A great antidote to exhaustion.  Create friendships with other parents, family and your own parents, even if just texting or calling. This has saved me. With advice to just an ear and comfort.

What do you wish you had known before having a baby?

I knew I wasn't going to get sleep. But I didn't realise how demanding motherhood would be. It has ripped all the selfish out of me. Even if I sometimes moan like a 3 year old, that I don't want to get my children another drink or that different block or change what's on the TV again for the 50th time!

Obviously you loose possessions and your privacy. My one year old is getting to the clingy stage, so even though she loves walking around the house. If I so much as leave the room she knows I'm in, she screams bloody murder and demands I pick her up. Actually very very cute. And I love cuddles. But preparing dinner is just dangerous with her on my hip. My three year old just needs me alot. And I wish I could have prepared myself for that.

What piece of advice would you give to your pregnant self if you could go back in time?

Given my journey with my second was a lot more enjoyable. It would be undeniably to never worry or stress out about anything. Don't worry if they suddenly have a temperature. That's just a babies body. They will always get a temperature. Look out for the signs after that. Don't worry about developmental stimulation. You probably have enough toys and only need 1 tiny basket of toys. It's how you play and spend time with them. They are absorbing the world. I would tell my pregnant self, they are watching you and how you deal with life. They want to see your smiles. Developmentally they want to do a lot by themselves and will probably dictate. My second is so much calmer, mainly because I am. Oh and, however the cookie crumbles..... you will always be exhausted for the first year at least. I wouldn't stress about the routines too much. My babies have either changed them up or not stuck to them. They will do their own thing and you can see that, they're being very natural and honest. I've gone with it.... and then just moan a lot about the exhaustion. Pregnant me. Enjoy your sleep.

Funniest story (in hindsight anyway!)

Where do I begin? The latest one. Three year old in the car, starts screaming. My husband and I turn asking what is wrong. She cries and says, my eyes won't stay open. They want to sleep!

When things get so ridiculous as a parent, only laughter is left.

I went to meet friends at a cafe. And I had forgotten spare clothes. It didn't matter, my daughter never does a poonami. Ohhhh..... the one day I don't bring anything... really!! Pop everywhere. Its even in her hair. How did it get all the way up there. The entire cot bit is covered. This girl went to town!!! A little stress central at the time. But a bit of resourcefulness later, me and my friends were laughing about it. They'd been there, got the t-shirt. I was suddenly a part of the population of poonami'd parents. 

Best bit so far?

Birth, meeting them for the first time, walking for the first time, talking, cuddles in the morning, general conversations and being able to see both of them grow and turn into beautiful, well rounded children. Selfishly just proud I made it this far and they, so far, are turning out OK.

Anything else you'd like to share:  I don’t know. Parenting and wanting to be a parent is such a unique experience. Why you become one and how you raise your children is unique. There will be similarities and time to connect with others over those similarities which usually make you laugh. This is why I am fully behind this book you are creating. Its not really about anyone's experience. And yet it's about everyone's experience. It's relating enough with others that you don't feel lonely. But it's seeing how different everyone's experiences are to realise that there isn't one way of doing it. As long as you're not outrightly abusing your children. You're probably doing it OK.

*If you’d like to submit your own early motherhood experience (and I would love for you to!), ping me a message at silke@raiseupmums.co.uk You can give your name or keep it anonymous.