Love might not be instant (but it’ll grow)
Experiences of: Jess
How many kids do you have and how old are they at the moment?
Just one, a 5 year old
Could you tell us a little more about your parenting situation?
I live with my partner/father of my child. Up until this point (and with lockdown as an exception) my partner has worked long unsociable hours (often out of the house from 8am to midnight or later) and working weekends.
How did you find the early years of motherhood?
Really hard. Harder than I thought. I always thought I'd want at least two children, probably more. Once I had my son I couldn't envisage having any more, and that scared me as it's how I'd identified myself before and it made me worry I didn't love my son as much as I should. I had baby blues for a few weeks, and looking back now the first year to 18 months don't fill me with joy, they fill me with fear.
Who or what helped you most in the early days of motherhood?
The NCT WhatsApp group in the middle of the night, the NCT in person meet ups. In the first few weeks a friend who had had a baby a few months before told me how she had felt, that she hadn't felt happy and it had been super hard and that made me feel much more normal.
What do you wish you had known before having a baby?
That 'rush of love' moment doens't happen for everyone in the same way, and just because it doesn't happen does not mean you don't love your baby. I agonised for months over not experiencing that. I felt wonder, and amazement but it didn't feel like love. I now realise it was more gradual for me - from the start of pregnancy, and still going. Every week I learn new things about my child which makes me love him in a different way.
What piece of advice would you give to your pregnant self if you could go back in time?
Take more maternity leave before the baby comes! I worked and had around 4 days 'free' before I went into labour and didn't feel I'd maximised the use of the non-baby/child time! Even if it was just watching a film in the daytime.
Funniest story (in hindsight anyway!).
Is it awful I can't think of any! Apart from, a few years ago, my son went to the toilet and sat on his little child seat. Unfortunately, for some reason his father had put the child seat on top of the closed toilet seat and when my son got off he left a perfectly formed poo on top of the toilet!
Best bit so far?
So many! The smiles, the cuddles, the words, the interest in new things, the learning, the development. But at the moment, it's waking up next to my son and having him give me a big morning cuddle, and hearing him say 'I love to too' back to me. [Note, he wakes up next to me because he totters into our bed in the middle of the night still, and I don't think I've created any 'rod for my own back' as some might say. It's the best thing for us as a family with everyone feeling secure, and we all get a good nights sleep]
Anything else you'd like to share: Those developmental leaps that ruin sleep and destroy good behaviour are usually phases that'll pass. I know now to tell myself this, as I witness changes, and it has (so far) always settled back down.
*If you’d like to submit your own early motherhood experience (and I would love for you to!), ping me a message at silke@raiseupmums.co.uk You can give your name or keep it anonymous.