A never ending and emotional journey

Experiences of: Elizabeth

How many kids do you have and how old are they at the moment?

I have 2 - they are 7 and 11 years old.

Could you tell us a little more about your parenting situation?

I’m married to a supportive husband and fortunately we’ve always agreed on the ‘big issues’ of life and parenting approaches. He trusts me to follow my instincts with the boys and I’m a sucker for over thinking / researching!  We have no other family so it’s just us. My mum and dad used to help us with stuff when my eldest was little and I really appreciated my mum taking him for sleep-walks in the buggy, for example, so I could ride and tend to my horse.  Now it’s just us so life is very busy and feels like a lot rests on our shoulders.  After starting our family we discovered we were attachment / gentle parents, that we’d breastfeed to natural term and be baby-led.  A little further down the line we became a home educating family.  We’re very close. Our way of life wouldn’t appeal to everyone but it works for us :).

How did you find the early years of motherhood?

I loved being pregnant with my eldest.  At least, after 20 weeks I did, as I’d previously had two early miscarriages, one of which wasn’t detected until my 13 week scan.  I think this did traumatise me somewhat, but I didn’t realise that until after the birth of my children. Early motherhood was extremely intense - I felt wildly out of my depth and utterly incapable.  It was overwhelming.  It still is, at times. The lack of sleep was profound - I knew to expect it but had no idea it would go on for so very long or that it would affect me so much.  I breastfed on demand which meant my mum couldn’t offer advice, as she’d formula fed me after dodgy advice from her doctor.  She went from being vaguely baffled by breastfeeding to a huge fan and advocate once she experienced it in our lives, which I felt very proud of.  She was a wonderful support to us - practically and emotionally. It was scary being alone with bubba at first so I liked to get out and about walking every day. It calmed us both!  In summary, early motherhood was: petrifying (being responsible for a tiny human); emotionally turbulent (I loved him to distraction and the lack of sleep was devastating); enlightening (I was not the most important person any more); and raw (all the emotions every hour). It both filled me up and emptied me completely. 

Who or what helped you most in the early days of motherhood?

My husband and my mum.  Also my colleagues at work because I worked for UNICEF UK and thus had the Baby Friendly Initiative on hand for every single breastfeeding question and concern that popped into my head.  Very lucky.  I can remember a panicked call to them one day after reading some parenting book cautioning me against feeding to sleep or for comfort.  I recall my colleague saying “imagine you’re in the most over stimulating, bright, loud place and you just feel desperate to relax and find peace. That peace is what you’re giving your baby when you feed them on demand.  Nothing wrong with that.” They helped me feel confident that breastfeeding was about so much more than food.  It changed my life for ever.

What do you wish you had known before having a baby?

That sleep deprivation isn’t always short lived; that boob is the answer, now what’s the question?; that I would be able to manage even when I was convinced I couldn’t; that it changes you as a person and that’s exactly as it should be.

What piece of advice would you give to your pregnant self if you could go back in time?

Sleep! You will never sleep in the same carefree way again! But you will be ok; trust your instincts; let baby lead; take the easy route whenever you can! Approach giving birth like preparing for a marathon - it can be incredibly hard and overwhelming but it’s definitely doable!

Funniest story (in hindsight anyway!)

Not sure it funniest, but a turning point was our first night at home. My mum stayed and sent husband and I off to bed, informing us baby would not need us for at least 4 hours so we could get some sleep. Needless to say we got no more than 5 minutes before bubba made his feelings clear that he would accept nothing less than being velcroed to mummy for at least 95% of the time! 

Best bit so far?

All of it.  Although I’d rather not still feel 100% responsible and frequently inadequate all of the time, as it’s utterly exhausting and anxiety inducing.  Nevertheless, every day I feel blessed and slightly bemused that I’m a mummy.  Such an honour.

Anything else you'd like to share:

Motherhood has changed me physically, emotionally, socially and psychologically.  I had no idea it would be so profound.  Or perhaps I’m super sensitive to the overwhelm, the anxiety and the stress it all brings - I don’t know. But it’s also a never-ending learning journey and, above all, a source of eternal, huge love and joy.  I try to cherish every day, and I admit to cursing and crying my way through some of them too. 

*If you’d like to submit your own early motherhood experience (and I would love for you to!), ping me a message at silke@raiseupmums.co.uk You can give your name or keep it anonymous.